Unfortunately, not every “I do” ends in a happy ever after. Life is more complicated than that and it’s also certainly too short to spend in an unhappy marriage. However, what if there are also kids involved in the equation? No parent wants to see their child suffer but is choosing their own suffering a solution? Deciding what to do suddenly becomes even more difficult. Here are a few things you should take into account if your marriage has hit a roadblock and you’re worried about how your decision will affect your children.
Staying together or separating
Divorce has been shown to have negative effects on the children involved. In addition, all the stress that comes with the process and the necessity to completely rearrange one’s life has a huge emotional toll which oftentimes deters parents from choosing this path. However, staying in a dysfunctional marriage just for the sake of the children may end up causing them more harm than separating would. Of course, divorce is the last resort, but it is still an option that can be the only solution at times. You need to take a good look at your marriage and determine what went wrong. If you’re not sure whether you should keep fighting to stay together, seeking out therapy may be a good idea.
The effects of arguments on children
The problem with staying in an unhappy marriage is that it keeps breeding tension. Conflicts are a normal part of any marriage, but when arguments become the way of day-to-day life, everyone in the house will be affected, including your kids. The way how these arguments play out is a significant factor here.
When arguments are resolved in a healthy manner, kids may learn important life skills in the meantime. However, most of the time, this is not how things go, and heated, aggressive and unresolved fights will have long-term consequences for the child. It can lead to stress, behavioral problems, poor academic performance, insecurity, and a slew of other problems.
By trying to stay as peaceful as you can, leaving the child out of arguments, and making sure that you resolve any arguments you have, even if you end up divorcing, you can lessen the blow the child will take.
Healthy divorce
While your first priority may be keeping your family together, it is important to know when it’s okay to walk away. When compared to a long-term emotionally toxic environment, separation can turn over a new leaf. However, it’s important to make the process as painless as possible. Before making any rash decisions, make sure you have figured out what the new family structure is going to look like and how the arrangement will function. You should only resort to going to court if the matter absolutely cannot be resolved otherwise. However, you should make sure you’re properly protected in any case. Finding reliable family lawyers is an obligatory step.
Letting the child know
If you have decided to separate, the most difficult part in the whole matter is going to be breaking the news to your kids. Some parents skip this step and leave their children in the dark. However, this is incredibly stressful for the child. You have to do everything you can to lessen their shock and make sure they understand and accept what’s to come. It’s important to let the child know what is going to happen, even if you cannot fully explain to them why. Set time aside to have a discussion about this as a family. Reassure them that this is a decision that both of you agree on and that you will still be their mom and dad regardless.
Emotional support
A very important thing to remember regardless of whether you decide to get a divorce or to keep working on your marriage is that your emotional state can put pressure on your child. You don’t want your child to hide their emotions, and you shouldn’t completely hide yours either. If you’re pretending that you’re completely fine, your child may feel isolated with their own negative emotions. At the same time, if you’re visibly distressed all the time, it can make kids feel guilty. They may feel reluctant to spend time with the other parent in fear of making you even sadder. So, be open and compassionate with your child.
To the future
A divorce brings forth a lifetime’s worth of changes, and it’s important to be on the same page about the future in order to have a healthy relationship. The terms after divorce should be clear. Don’t let boundaries blur and keep you in the past. At the same time, create arrangements that are going to make things easier for all parties involved. For instance, make sure communication is clear to avoid conflicts and frustration. It’s also a good idea to keep a shared credit card for child-related expenses.
Ultimately, every marriage is different and only you can decide what’s the best course of action in your case. Prioritize your child but keep your own needs in mind, too.